Waking Up To Unsure.

Have you ever woken up and realized that you’ve walked so far down a path that you forgot why you were on it in the first place? Or, opened your eyes and realized that you had let yourself get to a place you weren’t ready for? I mean, at one point it’s what you wanted, but now that you’re there you find yourself not really sure about what you want. And, you’ve talked so much about how much you looked forward to it that now you’re forced to be accountable to the words you’ve spoken over yourself, even if deep down you know it’s not what you want to do. I think it’s safe to say we’ve all been there. Backs against the wall, trapped by the commitments we made out of some season of misplaced enthusiasm, or ill guided direction based on surface level desires we expressed to the people around us due to some insecurity about revealing what it is we truly want. I, for one, have definitely been here and it’s not a fun place to be.

Every decision feels pressured. Every thought is overwhelming. Everyone’s advice propelling you forward when all you want is to slam on the brakes. Every day is exhausting pretending to be excited about the thing that scares you because people are going to think you’re crazy or a flake for not being sure about what you said you wanted for so long, especially when what you said you wanted is seemingly a good thing. It gets even more complicated when your situation involves someone else’s feelings. You even start to think you’re a little koo-koo, and try to force yourself past how you feel, but you can’t shake that voice in your head telling you this isn’t where you want to be. The intensity of this place is enough to make anyone snap and break down. There is so much guilt around the idea of people changing their mind it makes anyone who is unsure about something feel like the worst person in the world. I think that is a bunch of crap.

I don’t condone waywardness. I firmly believe that your yes should be yes, and your no should be no. But, I also believe that people are allowed to change their mind if they feel that their emotional or mental stability is at risk. I’ve seen too many people get trapped in jobs and relationships that at first seemed ideal, but down the line realize that the packaging was more appealing than the product. I’ve seen too many people get corralled into a life of comfortable circumstance while sacrificing their happiness. People have gotten scared to want the things that terrify them most and settle for the easier option. Somewhere along the line, we find ourselves in seasons of making decisions based on what other people want for us, and one day we wake up and nothing we have feels like our own because we didn’t choose any of it, even though we tell ourselves we did. We just let ourselves be swayed into a life that people said we’d be crazy to walk away from. One of the scariest feelings is waking up one day realizing that the choices we thought we made were actually made for us.

One of my best and worst traits is that I’m stubborn. When I choose to believe something there is no talking me out of it. For example, Kobe Bryant is the best player in the NBA. No stat sheet. No sports analyst. Not even Kobe himself could convince me otherwise. There have been so many things I walked away from this year that people thought I was crazy to give up. Things that were good and healthy and for a while could have made me happy, but one of the greatest gifts God has given me this year is the ability to trust myself. He gave me the ability to stand on my own no matter how crazy I look, or even feel. I’ve learned to hold out for better while understanding that better by no stretch of the imagination means easier. My favorite people are the risk takers. The people who walk away from everything and do the hard things even when a mountain of reasons of why it won’t work sits right in front of them. I’ve seen repeatedly how God honors bold choices. No matter how irrational and scary things might be, I’ve yet to meet someone in the will of God say they regret trying to do the thing that scared them most. It’s in the place most out of our control that we can see God work, and that’s when miracles are seen and He is glorified. I’m not saying these decisions are easy. In some cases for me, it caused some people’s feelings to get hurt and I had to risk my reputation because it may have looked flaky at the time, but I would rather bruise someone for now, rather than scar them forever. More importantly, I’d rather look flaky temporarily so I could be consistent confidently. I would rather walk away from opportunity if it meant in return I gain security. I would rather change my mind 100 times to be sure about one thing, than to be so far down a road and be unsure about everything. I would rather be freed by His words than trapped by my own. One thing God constantly reminds me of is that I get a say in my happiness.





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