I’d like to thank every one for their encouraging words in response to my last entry. I have heard that through me sharing a part of myself, it has allowed others to truly look into themselves and begin to deal with their own issues. As grateful as I am for the compliments and praises I just want to make one thing clear. I didn’t choose to write what I wrote for affirmation. I didn’t write it because I am any braver than anyone else. I wrote it because it was necessary. I understand now that if I don’t start dealing with the flaws of my character I will never be able to be a whole person. If I am not whole, I will never be able to love wholly. I understand that as long as I keep things in the darkness I will only have a half full life. Secrets will destroy you. They are the nagging feelings in the pit of your gut that tell you, you will never be accepted. They are lies that tell you no one will understand. They are the whispers in your head that tell you you’re a bad person. Until you can grasp that secrets are the only thing keeping you from freedom, you will always be bound to your insecurities. I have spent my whole life believing those lies and the result was me giving birth to an evil version of myself. A lesser self who was focused on making sure people were paying more attention to what I was doing rather than who I was. I am done believing any more lies. I am done believing I’m not good enough. I am done believing that I will never be a healthy person. Whoever reads these blogs I pray that you understand something. Writing about what happened to me as a child was not a victory. It was not the confirmation that I have wrestled my past and my issues into submission. It was simply the first strike back in a life long battle. It was just a first step. I am still healing. I am still dealing with a lot of things. Most of all I am still figuring out who I am. It has, however, shown me who I am not. I am not a victim. I am not who I spent my life pretending to be. I am not evil. Neither are you. Your past will only dictate your future if you allow it to.
My advice for young men and women who have been through what I have, is this. Do your best to stay out of relationships. Until you can truly say you love yourself you can never healthily love another human being. Do not use love or emotion to try and mask the pain that you feel when you’re alone. Don’t be fooled into thinking that if you can find someone to love you the way you are that it fixes anything. A doctor can’t stitch an open wound if your boyfriend or girlfriend has their hand in the way trying to stop the bleeding. The only thing a relationship can do for you while you’re broken is distract you. It is too easy to use people to make the stinging of truth more bearable. My relationships failed because I refused to deal with my own issues. I hurt the person I love most because I was too afraid to admit I was damaged. Does it suck to be alone while you deal with these things? Of course! But, sometimes you have to be alone to realize that you are never really alone at all. God is always there. I find my comfort in knowing that the next person I decide to love will truly have the best version of me. That whoever it is that falls in love with me will fall in love with the real me. A man with no more secrets or hidden pain. Someone that will look at my past and be in shock. Not because of what I have done, but because of how great I turned out in the end. I have always been a good boyfriend, but I was a terrible man of God. I am using this time to figure what it means to be a Godly man, not only in relationships but in all aspects of my life. The first step for me was admitting how jacked up I was and deciding that I need God in my life. Once I did that, it opened a door for God to reveal a lot of things to me. Some of which you have been reading. What I want to stress more than anything is the fact that none of what I have written or learned was by my own wisdom. I am no where near smart enough to figure out anything about my life. In fact, the only smart thing I have done was admit that I know nothing at all and open myself to the truth.