From The Outside..

Undeniably at some point in everyone’s life there is a season of loneliness. It is a time of unrelenting solitude and alienation, most commonly self-afflicted. For the past few days this solitude has been tormenting me. Making me feel overly emotional about circumstances that seem much more extreme than they actually are. The silence seems to echo in my heart. I’ve been brought to a place in my life where the people around me all seem to be running and me at a slow walk. Not for lack of effort though. Looking through my vantage point it seems everyone else’s dreams are far more attainable than mine. And I know that I should be happy for them. A part of me is really happy. But then the daunting question of “Where am I going?” still remains. I’ve truly never felt more alone. Due to some circumstances I can’t lean on the usual people I would go to in this time of despair. They’ve either become too busy, or disappeared from my life, or I can’t risk opening up to someone without losing someone more important to me. Using the word abandoned would make this more dramatic than I intend it to be so estranged seems a little more appropriate. I feel like I emotionally can’t invest in anyone right now and the irritating part is I’m not sure why. There’s nothing more annoying to any man than being emotional and not being positive of where it’s coming from. As embarrassing as it sounds to fully admit, I want someone to pursue me. I want someone to baby me and ask me what’s wrong. I want to feel important to someone. Last night at an early thanksgiving party I was surrounded by people. Friends, church leaders, acquaintances everywhere and I still felt alone. I spent the night bouncing from group to group trying desperately to find somewhere I felt comfortable and the task was a lot harder than it should have been. In a whole crowd of people I couldn’t find one single place I felt wanted. And the person I went with is the definition of sociable so she was of course mingling. Selfishly I wanted her to focus on me but I understand what she was doing. It’s hard feeling like you have no friends.

But now that I’ve gotten all of my emotional whining out, if I know one thing it’s that God allows us to go through seasons with lessons in mind. I’m not sure what my lesson is here but I fully believe God wouldn’t let me feel like this if there wasn’t something important I needed to walk away from this with. Of course the obvious stares me in the face like learning to depend on Him and not only the people around me. Or learning to sustain myself and walk on my own. But this pain goes a little deeper than an obvious solution or quite possibly I’m over analyzing as I always do.

I wrote this because God always seems to answer my questions through my writing. I’m still not sure as to why I feel how I do. But I am positive that God is with me. And though I feel alone and insecure I know I must keep pushing forward through emotion and find rest in the knowledge that God promises to be with me always, as he has promised you. If you are reading this and just so happen to feel the way I do, take the time to meditate using logic and not emotion. Our feelings will misguide us and they are always inconsistent but God is irrevocably reliable.

“And surely I am with you always, to the very end of age” Matthew 28:20

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